I am working from home today because I didn’t feel like I could face the masses with a cheerful demeanor. So far it’s been as busy as if I were actually at the office. I can’t be un-cheerful with the cats, but I can just be quiet and keep to myself. And I continue to want to keep to myself. Tomorrow is the writing group, and I will go, but I am already somewhat dreading it because the submission for this week is frankly terrible.
Probably I shouldn’t say that and probably I am being a judgmental jerk, and maybe this is just the guy’s really really really first draft? I don’t know, it just is filled with errors and it’s stream of consciousness and it’s basically a memoir of his abusive childhood and it’s pretty graphic. So, I’m taking it as a challenge to my diplomacy, and to finding the kernels that do work.
To just continue the complaining, I’ve done something weird and painful to my shoulder.
My head is still filled with angry bees. ( Collapse )
It’s all about settling, not settling, being okay with my choices, trusting myself to make the right choices even though it doesn’t feel good right now. I’m trying so hard to think forward and do what is right and best for myself, but when I’m confronted with the consequences of those moves (ie, Jon’s (surprise!) new ladyfriend at his party, Griffin’s trip to Seattle with his girlfriend (and the video he sent me of donkey noses and his stupid commentary about thinking about me while he’s there for a wedding of a friend of ours, a wedding to which I was not invited, I might add… and Matt’s happy cohabitation with HIS lady (who, don’t get me wrong, I really really like)….) It all just slaps me back and forth cheek to cheek. EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE EXCEPT YOU.
I KNOW that’s not true, and anyway, I’m doing this ON PURPOSE. Griffin is actively bad for me, Jon was simply not right for me, and Matt might have been the right guy, but definitely at the wrong time, and “right” is fairly subjective anyway, especially given our conversations wherein we’ve both expressed significant reservations… so intellectually I am 100% sure I’m doing the right thing, and making smart choices, and not settling, and I’m trying VERY HARD not to think that these opportunities are passing me by whiz bang and I’m just letting them. Like, “Nah, a more perfect pitch will come,” until blam. 3 strikes and you’re out, kid.
How many strikes do I get? (Or maybe the question should be more along the lines of, what is the point of the game anyway. Is the point to be happy in life no matter what? Because if so, strikes don’t matter. If the point is to Find Someone and Be Happily Coupled, then maybe the strikes matter a lot more.)
It’s a moot point, because I have taken myself out of the game anyway. I’m doing Concentrated Self Work for now. That feels right. And just seeing every single fucking person I know on this planet coupled up left right and center is just something that has to be dealt with. When I’m right with myself, I’ll be ready to do the thing again and until then I need to just keep focus and quit being so freaking neurotic.