Happy Friday to all of you!
Last night I had an appointment with Wendy and we talked about “changing goals” which really amounted to paying more attention to “shoulds,” and letting go of those. If I’m having difficulty meeting goals, then perhaps reevaluating the goals is in order. So, for the next two weeks I’m supposed to (especially with relation to running and writing) focus more on the process instead of on some imagined finish line. I don’t honestly know if that will work or not, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Did I mention that my writing group sort of gave me the same advice and encouragement the other night? So I just started banging something out, and it’s been good so far. One of the girls in the group commented cheerily, “It should be fun, right?!” And I had a really anxious, defensive reaction – writing is NOT fun for me, not right now anyway, not for a while. It’s not my solace or my sanctuary or the way I wind down at night. My characters don’t come alive and consume me. Nothing about the process is fun. It is stressful, anxiety-provoking, and while it may be exciting now and then, for the most part it is a slow slog uphill through thigh-high mud.
All of which makes me think I’m no longer a writer. Or that I’ve been blogging for so long that my creative writing muscles have atrophied?
But anyway. I was telling Wendy about this, and she suggested trying to look at it differently, so I’m trying it. What I’ve written so far is not fun, it’s not even satisfying particularly, but it does feel good in a certain way.
The thing I am working on (not a story, maybe a story, maybe just scenes, who knows, trying not to care) features an extreme environmentalist cult called The North Star. Then this morning, in my email, I got the M-W Word of the Day, which was…
one that serves as an inspiration, model, or guide –
The literal, albeit archaic, meaning of “lodestar” is “a star that leads or guides” and it is a term that has been used especially in reference to the North Star.
WHAT!! So that kind of felt like a sign. It seems like there have been a lot of “signs” lately: palindrome week, the lunar eclipse coinciding with Passover, that crow-ish lighthouse up there, now this… not sure what the signs are FOR — maybe to give my flagging sense of self and self-esteem a swift kick in the pants…
In other news, started a new book: Lines, a Savannah Witching Mystery by JD Robb, and it’s actually really good so far, which yes, surprised me a little. AND I’m getting a massage this evening. AND I’m dry-hopping the beer this weekend. And if the weather is nice, I’m going to take my bird book out and go look for flutter-bys.