Yesterday I had an appointment with Wendy, which… can I just say how grateful I am to have a therapist who gets me. She is so gentle at pointing out the ways in which I’m engaging in non-productive/totally illogical thoughts. She gave me some updated, concrete methods for dealing with anxiety when it floods like it did this week and I walked out of there feeling safer and more secure than I have in weeks.
One of the things she suggested is changing griffin’s name in my phone so that when he texts me, I have less of a visceral reaction. I have changed his contact info to read “Ridiculous Cowpie,” which cracks me up. The very smart and savvy rhiannonrising also made me feel a shitload better about the whole “hating myself for still feeling something” business. She pointed out that a feeling doesn’t mean anything except I’m not a sociopath. It’s like pain – you might have pain now and then, but it doesn’t necessarily indicate a life-threatening condition, and it passes. I like this analogy; it resonates. (And by way of follow-up, he is NOT moving in with his girlfriend, so my increased angst was for naught.)(Also. I know some of you are eye-rollingly sick to death of my continued unreasonable angst over this person. I am too, but for whatever reason, part of me still cares in some small way. I try not to write about it publicly – or even talk about it, honestly, because my in-person friends are the same way, but occasionally, something comes up like it did this week and I can’t control my reaction as quickly as I would like. Thanks for not voicing your weariness.)
Wendy and I are working on cognitive and behavioral changes to get me back to a more recognizable form of myself and being able to feel joy. It makes me sad that I am still having to go through this process, but as she also pointed out, it’s just cyclical with some people, and knowing THAT and being able to move through it is ALSO a handy skill.
I signed up to volunteer with seniors starting next week – reading, hanging out, chatting, buying groceries, whatever. I’m really looking forward to it!