t was a really lovely evening of intense debate. I had some hardcore kneejerk reactions to some of the stuff that came up, and because of such a reaction, I know I need to examine those things more deeply.
It wasn’t a particularly comfortable evening, I will say that. I love my friends and I love it that they challenge me – I feel like our conversation really spurred me to think about and re-examine some ideas I have held dear. This is the same feeling I had in college when someone asked me WHY I was for the death penalty. Similarly, several years ago, someone challenged me when I said I opposed city-led composting. It’s a terrible feeling of being exposed and I reacted by being defensive. Over the next several days I’ll be thinking about it more closely.
One thing that happened that wasn’t related to our debate was that I snapped at Matt a couple of times this evening. I’m going to apologize tomorrow and try to talk with him about how I am feeling. I feel like he “little woman”s me sometimes, talks down to me, doesn’t appreciate the fact that I am a highly educated person too, and a person who just knows some things in the world as well (like how to build a garden, how to plant tomatoes, who Bill Cosby is). This is a new thing for him; we usually don’t have this dynamic. Some big things are going on in his life, and it’s manifesting in some ways which challenge my ability to maintain my cool. I’m finding recently that I feel myself shutting down in conversation with him, and it simply has to change. Hopefully we’ll be able to talk it through soon.
I don’t know. I had a good time debating this evening, but I’m not sure of my position, and as Ethan left he said, “well this was enlightening,” which made me wonder to just what degree of crazy I presented. Sometimes my very small town provincial roots really show themselves and I think tonight was one of those instances.
I just need to think. I need to read and learn some stuff and think. It might have been too soon after Tornado Brain to be so involved in theoretical conversation because now I just want to spend the weekend hanging out alone thinking and also not possibly coming across as a wingnut to everyone else I’m supposed to hang out with for the rest of the weekend.
Ah, self doubt. The angry shadow I know so well. Really can’t let this take hold again.