I am finding myself just feeling really really low.
Yes of course I am disappointed that my dad isn’t coming, but there is probably a good reason for it that I don’t know yet. And no matter what, I know he is more disappointed than I am, and so I could never and would never in a million years let him know just how crushed I am.
And yes, Pam is retiring at the end of the year and things are by necessity going to change for me.
And yes, I fell off my lower-carb eating wagon and re-gained all the weight I lost.
These things can be helped. Exercise, return to sensible eating, meditation. Every single time I stop doing these things, I find myself back at this place of sluggish, depressed, anxiety-laden state of being. Just like when I don’t take my allergy pills, I can’t breathe. Just like when I stay up all night reading, I’m tired the next day. Just like if I don’t empty the compost bowl, fruit flies will come.
I’m not sure why I can’t seem to get a goddamn grasp on this and not continue again and again to make myself miserable. I do not want misery to be my resting state.