A southern girl in the Pacific Northwest

There was a very interesting podcast I listened to this morning (99% Invisible presents Good Egress) about the evolution of fire escapes. Surprisingly fascinating. For example, did you know that the Ash Building (now known as the Brown Building), which was the site of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire, is a fireproof building, and is still standing today? It’s part of NYU, I believe. (I think I would have a hard time taking classes in a building where I knew a bunch of people died a terrible death.) Anyway, the podcast was interesting. That whole program, 99% Invisible, is interesting. I have yet to hear a podcast I wasn’t fairly enthralled by.

Also this morning was an episode about the people who dug a tunnel from West Berlin under the wall into East Berlin, thereby allowing 57 people to escape from communist East Germany. Fascinating!

In non-podcast news, I made a decision this morning about my family. I am going to hash it through with Wendy and see what she thinks, but it is essentially letting go of expectations entirely. It is quitting trying to make things be a way they simply are not. My sister posted something on Facebook (a video of Whoopi Goldberg saying, “If you hit a man, you better expect to get hit back. That’s why I don’t hit.”) and said, “AMEN!” I immediately spoke up and then was gratified when a few of her friends chimed in in agreement with what I’d said, but still. I just… I can’t take this anymore, feeling disappointed again and again and again that things are not the way I want them to be, and they never will be. My efforts at connecting have been well-received, but at the heart of things, we have just become such radically different people and if she wasn’t my family, I wouldn’t be friends with her at all.

I am also consciously releasing my frustrations with things at work. It will be what it will be and very little I do can or will affect the outcome.

Not my circus. Not my circus.

And finally, tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I started the Wellbutrin and I can definitely tell a difference. The side effects have virtually all gone away (except for dry mouth, eyes & skin, and a certain low level feeling of flightiness) and while I no longer feel euphoric and keyed up, I feel steady, able to address whatever comes, not overwhelmed, energetic, hopeful, etc. It occurred to me this morning that I’m in the “PMS window” — and yet, I do not feel crazy, overly tearful, paranoid, or deeply self-loathing. My god, maybe all this time I’ve been suffering like that for no reason. Well anyway, it was a moment of marveling: I feel good, even in this circumstance which usually wreaks absolute havoc. I feel so good in fact, that I had to double check the calendar because I thought, “Nooooo, no way.” But yes. Yes yes yes.

For this I am very thankful. Also very thankful that our fruit fly issue is going away at work.


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